Not ready, and I'm just not ready, I can't deal with this...

14 October, 2002 || 9:32 pm

Well, my evening is over. Fantastic par-tay, Chris-chris, even though my shoes are really muddy. *grin*

And just a little explaination if I seem really pissy, in the next week or so:

My mother had a CAT scan a little while ago, and everything was perfect, the kind of news that leaves you pleased as punch. However, she's been having discomfort, she goes to the doctor on Wednesday, and he'll probably order another CAT scan. I feel like I'm ready to vomit, I really don't think I can deal with chemotherapy, again. She's supposed to last more than a year...she's got to. I hated the chemo, hated it, hated, hated, hated it. I hated seeing my mother bald. It's sickening. I'm not ready to deal with all that, again. I want her to see me graduate from high school. God, I know she's not goiong to last forever, she won't see my children, should I have any. I'm not asking for a miracle, I just want her to see me graduate. Once I go to college, I can be on my own more, anyway, but I can't live alone in this house with my father. And then, God, what would happen to me if something happened to him? Oh, God, I can't think of it. I'd live with my cousin Paummi. I saw her last over a year ago, for about 15 minutes. She's gay. That's fine, you know, but I can't imagine not having my parents. To lose them, and then be picked up and moved into a completely different state, away from everything I know, God help me, I can't do it. She's just got to hold on, 3 more years, that's all I'm asking. I'll miss her when she dies, whether she dies in 5 years or 55, I'll miss her, but she just has to hold on 3 more years.

She'll die when I'm sixteen, I almost know it. And I just can't deal with this right now...

Not when life, otherwise, is so damn perfect.

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