Another thing for the violinists of the world to shove up their ASSES!!!

03 September, 2002 || 12:22 am

This essay kicks ass...although, as Ben so wondefully pointed out, none of you will probably care to read it. Anyway, here it is:

"Vee-o'la

by Margaret Douglass

Q: What is the range of a viola?

A: About thirty feet, if you kick it hard enough.

Viola, from Italian violar. A stringed instrument of the violin family, slightly larger than a violin, tuned a fifth lower, and having a deeper tone. Pronounced vee-o'la, not to be confused with the flower, vi-o'la, or with the French voil�. Nothing annoys violists more than hearing the name of our beloved instrument mispronounced, except possibly being told those stupid viola jokes.

Q: How do you know there's a viola section at your door?

A: No one knows when to come in.

We violists are the ones restlessly sitting to the side of the orchestra next to the cellos, with our simple, boring harmony parts any half-witted violinist could play. The first violins and the cellos have their solos, the seconds can play along with the firsts, and the basses, who have parts even worse than ours, are almost always insane. So the viola section is alone in the orchestra, suffering with our half notes and eighteen-measure rests, and having only our stand partners for comfort as the conductor orders us to play louder. It's marked pianissimo, but those [damn] violins are playing too loudly. My stand partner agrees. We are always right; everyone else is wrong.

Q: Define a true gentleman.

A: One who can play the viola, and won't.

I have been a violist my entire musical career, ever since we first signed up for our instruments in forth grade. I have always read the alto clef, I have always suffered in the maddeningly repetitive but always popular Pachebel's Canon with the eight-note viola part, I have always been hollered at to play louder. I lug around my fifteen-pound viola case with pride. Yes, I am a violist, and I love it.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?

A: A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.

The history of music has been plagued with blatant viola discrimination. During the Baroque era, when the bows were first curved the other way and chin rests were a new fad, musicians who couldn't play the violin part swtiched to the viola. Handel, Bach, ad the rest of the Baroque gang made the viola a third violin or a second-cello part, not even considering to write solo viola pieces. Who would wnt to listen to a third-rate musician trying to screech out a viola concerto?

The personnel manager broke up an altercation during intermission between the principal oboist and the principal violist. When asked what the problem was, the oboist said that the violist had knocked his reeds all ove the floor. "He had it coming," blustered the violist. "He tuned down one of my pegs, and now he won't tell me which one!"

Because of the rise of great viola soloists such as Lionel Tertis, William Primrose, Yuri Bashmet, and other viola celebrities, we have accumulated a repertoire of modern compositions (most written by friends of violists who were tired of listening to us complain about not having good enough music) and many arrangements of pieces written for other instruments during those less enlightened times. Bach's cello suites are now an octave higher for us; Brahm's clarinet sonatas have been transcribed. However, the prejuduce remains.

Q: You are lost in the desert. You come upon a good violist, a bad violist, and a large white rabit. Which of the three do you ask for directions?

A: The bad violist. The other two are mirages.

Most of the violists I know are violin converts, those who became sick of being only the associate concertmaster, or an All-State alternate. Trying the viola for the first time, the violinists are always surprised, saying it's so loud, so deep, so pretty. I have known all along. We violists prefer to keep it a well-guarded secret, keeping our numbers down so we can all get good seats in orchestra and get into the elite music schools, which are always in dire need of us. The violinist, the chellist, the trumpeter, and the flutist may laugh now, but they are a dime a dozen. We violists are exquisitely rare.

Q: What is the difference between a snake and a viola in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Violists have been constantly overlooked and underrated, and now we're ready to have our revenge. We have adapted their music for our own, we have written our own solos, we have taken their seats in orchestras, and we are gaining more converts all the time. And, as one violist said to his violinist and chellist colleagues, all viola jokes can be transposed up a fifth or down an octave. Don't get it? Ask a violist."

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