h.a.t.r.e.d.

08 September, 2002 || 9:35 pm

I hate when things don't turn out the way you want them to. I hate being disappointed. I hate regreting things.

I'm in a very hateful mood right now. I hate when my grandfather compares me to my other cousins - Jaime, who's popular and beautiful and cheerful (gag me), and Audrey, who's smart and funny and plays the violin well. And he does compare, every time I see him. I hate when my mother says depressing things, when she talks about "oh, I'll be dead soon, so it doesn't matter," or "I should've married someone rich...maybe I should have an affair..." She just pisses me off so much, sometimes! She complains about how we don't love her and how she'll be dead in a year or so, so who cares what happens now. She says these things, and then when I don't respond, yells at me for "not caring." She told me once that I don't care what happens to her, I just think about myself and don't care that she'll be dead. She kept saying, "what wold you do if you had ovarian cancer, huh? What would you do then? You'd care then. What would you do if you were the one with cancer?" Finally I just stood up and said "what would you do if I had cancer?" and walked out of the room. She says things like, we don't care because we're not the ones who're going to die. What I want to know is what happens the day after she's dead? What then? She's gone, she doesn't have to deal with it anymore. But I still do. She might be missing out on the rest of her life, but she'd be dead, so she wouldn't know and/or care. I'd still be alive. I'm the one who'd have to go through the rest of my life without a mother.

I hate school, and yes, I know we've only been going for two days. I'm petrified of Bio, I loathe going to that class because I'm afraid I'll screw up and fail. I figure I'll be happy if I get above an 83. Anything over an 83, anything at all - and I'll be fine. I don't expect an A, I'm not unrealistic. But I am pertified ofthat class.

Right now I hate the whole world, I hate my parents, my teachers, myself.

Thank God for you guys.

Because I know I love you, at least.

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