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03 December, 2001 || 2:33 p.m.

I haven't written in a while, because I feal I have nothing to say. I am like an empty glass bowl, crying out for something to be put in me to fill me up. I am empty. I have no feelings. Okay, that's not true. I've been really pissed off at the world in general, at people who don't get things that are important are important, people who get things I don't, even though I deserve them more than they do, people who can just laugh and have fun all the time and be all smily without feeling like a total ass, people who are total asses. The list goes on and on and on. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas coming anymore, I just want the vacation. I want to sleep in until noon in my big comfy bed and eat pancakes for breakfast and make a snowangel or a snowman, and just be free. I want to be me for one whole week. Be able to watch what I want to watch and do what I want to do and hear what I want to hear and be what I want to be. So long as I can figure out what I want to be. Which I doubt will happen, just because most adults I know don't know what they want to be, and I don't even have the slightest inclanation. I just have no idea who I am, which doesn't really matter, because I think you can be who you set out to be. But, not only have I no clue who I am, I have no clue who I want to be. I am personless. Idealess. Thoughtless. Feelingless.

Empty.

For the love of all that is Holy, why the Hell don't I know who am or who I should be??? Why can't there be some big list up in the sky somewhere that tells you who you are and what you should do? It would make like so much easier. I could just look up and see "Oh, ok, I'm going to be a doctor, so I need to blah blah blah"...so on and so forth. Or "oh, I'm a dreamer so I should...." Why can't I have a magic letter that says "Emily Caroline...here is who you are..."

Why am I so empty I just want to feel *something* besides anger. I'm so frickin pissed off.

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